I’m tired. I’m tired of snow and being cold, bare branches with no leaves, and potholes. I’m tired of endless piles of dishes and dog poop and kitty litter boxes and dust bunnies. I’m tired of laundry and missing socks, and dust on the furniture. I’m tired of sticky handles and toothpaste in the sink. I’m tired of the musty smell of animals in my house. I’m tired of violent video games and zombies and gore and blood. I’m tired of rap music that talks of sex, one-night stands but not love. I’m tired of swear words and meanness, and bigotry. I’m tired of dirty politics and accusations and finger pointing and disrespect. I’m tired of bull-headed people who would rather stick to their false beliefs than take care of the planet. I’m tired of trash in the gutters and plastic bottles in the trash. I’m tired of grey walls, straight lines, and modern design. I’m tired of trash talking, religious zealots and bombs. I’m tired of the media, one sided reporting and playing the same story over and over until you don’t even care anymore. I’m tired of hot flashes and cold feet and achy joints. I’m tired of wrinkles and grey hair and pet hair on my clothes. I’m just tired…
I long for sunshine, the smell of orange blossoms, the sound of the ocean as the waves hit the shore. I long for the salty seaweedy smell of the ocean and the way the sun dances on the water. I long for girl friends and lazy afternoons browsing shops, the smells of perfume and fresh linen in my favorite gift shops. I long for road trips to see my family for holidays, planning menus and cooking with my sisters. I long for good vegetarian restaurants and long conversations to solve the world’s problems. I long for palm trees and sand between my toes and lying by the pool and sweating on leather car seats while wearing shorts on a hot day. I long for real hugs from people I care about and laughter and getting dressed up for special occasions. I long for kindness and respect and love and positive thinking. I long for flowers and lace and classical music and concerts in the park with wine and cheese and good friends. I long for… home.
My son is recuperating from surgery for Pectus Excavatum, a congenital deformity of the chest. This caused his chest to sink inward toward his heart and lungs and pushed his heart toward the left side of his thoracic cavity making it difficult for him to exercise without fatiguing quickly. To repair this, the surgeon made small incisions on Cameron’s sides and slid a bar under his sternum and ribs, and then he flipped the bar to push his chest outward. Now Cameron’s heart is happy, because it has room to do its job, pumping all that oxygenated blood around my son’s body and my son is happy because he no longer has a sunken chest It’s a win-win!
It makes me wish there was a special procedure for all the haters and bigots and abusers in this world, a surgery to correct their deformities; the hate and anger and despair…a magical surgery to make room for the heart…just flip that bar up and allow each heart to be filled with love. It would be a win-win!
I am a serious user of the dictionary. Yes, that big, fat, heavy book with lists and lists of words. I can find a word in the dictionary faster than my kids can look it up online. My parents were both teachers and when I would ask how to spell a word or what a word meant they would tell me to look it up in the dictionary. At the time I thought it was torture. How can one possibly look up a word if you don’t know how to spell it? Unbelievably, I learned. Perseverance and the desire to learn prevailed.
I find that the older I get the more I want to learn. I read more news and articles and books, and yes, blogs. One of my greatest challenges is to pass this desire to learn on to my kids. How can I show them how amazing the world is? How can I give them the gift of passion for knowledge acquisition? School seems to have zapped that desire from them. Learning means school…school means agonizing boredom and torture. Therefore, learning sucks. Something is wrong with an educational system that zaps a child’s natural capacity for exploring life and their innate desire to learn.
A few years ago my son asked to be home schooled. After researching, reading, and talking to friends we pulled him out of traditional school. What I have learned from this amazing adventure in home schooling is that I have learned more than my son. I find so many things I want to share with him and I can’t wait to include these things in his daily lesson plans. But then, sadly, he often isn’t as excited about these things as I am. I now realize my role in his home school adventure is pathfinder. I must find new paths for him to learn the things he needs to know in order get along in life and to reach his goals…those things he is passionate about. Maybe someday he, too, will become a serious dictionary user.
Why am I here? Because I have a voice. Because I have something to say. For years my setting was dialed in to “mute”. I’d sit in classrooms or meetings with my lips zipped. If I were called upon, I would quake in fear, like our little dog, a Chihuahua-Dachshund mix named Jaeger Meister. But then, we adopted our first child, Kaiti, a beautiful black haired newborn with a Mohawk. Suddenly I had a voice…and that voice said “I love you”. I vowed that never a day would go by that she wouldn’t hear those words…I love you. Short and to the point…but with endless meaning. Four years later my voice got even stronger when we adopted our second child, Cameron, a bald headed, blue-eyed boy. I love you…everyday…without fail. When I write this my eyes mist up, so I know that this is where my passion lies. My hopes and dreams for my children are that they will love Earth and those who live here as much as I love them.
I have never been able to stand up in front of an audience and talk, or sit in a group of my peers and speak up. I have always let others lead; let others speak for me, to make my decisions for me. It hasn’t always worked out, because to use another’s voice means to lose your own. So now, here we are in the 21st century. We have computers and Internet and texting…and blogs. So now I am determined to let MY voice be heard. And my voice says, “I love you”. Welcome to my world.